Today as I was going through the usual round of activities, I thought about something. Actually I think about this more often than not. I am realizing more and more everyday that I may actually be a bit paranoid about marriage. But today was different because I realized something which might be a breakthrough in itself for me, hopefully.
My parents divorced when I was young so I did not grow up with an optimistic view on the outcome of marriage.
I will just list my fears of marriage before we go into the things I realized today.
- Fear of falling out of love
- Fear to be unfaithful to my spouse.
- That I might be the one who makes the union difficult
- That life's challenges may take their toll on marriage and hence end it
I will dissect each fear and hopefully you will see what i have seen also.
- Fear of falling out of love
I think I am like most people and most if not all of us enjoy the feeling of being in love. I wish it would always be that way but unfortunately that's not how life works in many cases. It's easy to fall in love but it takes work to stay in love. To be able to feel the same about a person ages later, to love them just as much as in the beginning of the relationship seems like something that fades with time. So one of my great fears is to fall out of love.
Our relationship with God is prone to the same problem. Just as when you meet someone special and are "high" on love, the same goes for when we "meet" God. When we realize what we've been missing and finally give our life to God, it is a great place to be. My experience was like that and I remember learning things about God that I didn't know before. I liken it to this feeling or high of falling in love. It is very intense in the beginning but then as time goes the flame starts burning dimly until it goes out. We start of with Him very zealous and are excited to be His children but as time goes we get used to Him and His Word and start taking Him for granted. The things that used to excite us about Him stop exciting us.
When we fall in love with God so to speak we hope to be with Him forever. Just like a marriage, we say our vows to love Him with all our hearts and to love our neighbour as ourselves.
But somewhere along the way we go from love for Him from the heart to a round of ceremonialism and might even end up going to church not because we truly want to worship Him but to register our attendance, to please the people at church so that they see that we are attending church. We go through the motions but our hearts are not really there. At that juncture we would have fallen out of love with Him, though by our profession we make the world to believe that we are still madly in love with Him. And this seems to happen even in relationships between people. They start to take each other for granted. We become used to God and start taking Him for granted.
Just as easy as it is to fall out of love with another, it is just as easy to fall out of love with God. Since we see here that it is so easy to fall out of love with God and He is love, the power for us to love is in Him, likewise for us to love a spouse we have to stay in love with God. When we fall out of love with Him, we are powerless to love our spouses or any other person in our own strength. It takes work and that work is to remain connected to Him.
If He started our journey of faith He can help us to love Him. We can not love Him in our own strength but by believing in His power, we can love because
[13] For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure. Philipians 2:13.
[2] Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; Hebrews 12:2.
So for us to love a spouse and to stay in love is by God's power working in us to will and to do of His good pleasure which is for us to love one another and to love Him. So by abiding in Him we can love for God is love.
It takes work to stay in love with God, but it is not a work we do on our part or in our own strength. It is hard if not impossible for us to love God on our own and likewise for us to love a spouse. We get weary loving one another, how can we love God whom we have not seen as is written:
[20] If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen? 1 John 4:20
[8] He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.
[16] And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him. 1 John 4:8, 16.
[28] Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
So we can rest in Him from our labors, our efforts to love Him with all our hearts and to love our spouse, and our neighbor as we love ourselves. Even though it seems impossible, it is when we try in our own strength but if He works in us by our resting in Him, we can love. And when He helps us to love Him whom we have not seen, He will also help us to love the significant other whom we have seen.
If He started our journey of faith He can help us to love Him. We can not love Him in our own strength but by believing in His power, we can love because
[13] For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure. Philipians 2:13.
[2] Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; Hebrews 12:2.
So for us to love a spouse and to stay in love is by God's power working in us to will and to do of His good pleasure which is for us to love one another and to love Him. So by abiding in Him we can love for God is love.
It takes work to stay in love with God, but it is not a work we do on our part or in our own strength. It is hard if not impossible for us to love God on our own and likewise for us to love a spouse. We get weary loving one another, how can we love God whom we have not seen as is written:
[20] If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen? 1 John 4:20
[8] He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.
[16] And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him. 1 John 4:8, 16.
So even though we get weary and we get tired from the labor of "keeping the fire burning", He has promised to give us Rest as is written:
[29] Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. Matthew 11:28, 29.
So for us to stay in love with God and with a spouse seems impossible for us in the flesh but with Him it is possible as is written:
[26] With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. Matthew 19:26.
So we can rest in Him from our labors, our efforts to love Him with all our hearts and to love our spouse, and our neighbor as we love ourselves. Even though it seems impossible, it is when we try in our own strength but if He works in us by our resting in Him, we can love. And when He helps us to love Him whom we have not seen, He will also help us to love the significant other whom we have seen.
- Fear of being unfaithful
[23] Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; (for he is faithful that promised;) Hebrews 10:23.
To be faithful is not easy. Usually we hope that a spouse will not be unfaithful by cheating on us but do we ever take the time to think that we could be the ones to do so? A lot of times we always think of us being the victim but what if we are the ones who cheat and are responsible for the disharmony in the marriage. It is easier to blame someone else but what if we are the ones to blame. When we are the victim we can hold the other party responsible but what about when we are the ones guilty of being unfaithful?
Well, the same goes for our union with God. The only difference is that He is perfect and He always does His part of keeping the marriage to Him going. It is usually us who fail Him. It is usually us who cheat Him and are unfaithful to Him. In our marriage to Christ we can not blame anyone but ourselves if it fails because He has done all He can to make it work and even bears with us when He is justified to leave us. He remains faithful but we are unfaithful to Him as is written:
[3] But the Lord is faithful, who shall stablish you, and keep you from evil. 2 Thessalonians 3:3.
[3] But the Lord is faithful, who shall stablish you, and keep you from evil. 2 Thessalonians 3:3.
[13] If we believe not, yet he abideth faithful: he cannot deny himself. 2 Timothy 2:13.
- Fear of being the one who makes the union difficult
This one is kind of similar to the previous point. My understanding of marriage is that it is mutual and so it is unhealthy when it's one sided. It's one thing when both sides are being difficult but what if it's one party that is making life difficult? What if you are the one who is making life difficult? I am human and so I'm not immune from being stubborn, selfish, wanting things my way and no other way and so on. All these traits are common to all of us and indulging in them makes marriage difficult not only to the other person but also to God.
Again this happens in our union with God. He is perfect and does His part. When our relationship with Him starts failing it is not because He has failed but because we are failing on our part. We make things difficult and even then He is patient and suffers long with us. He does not give up on us but we give up on our part, and yet we are the difficult party. Are we hurting God by our being stubborn, wanting to have it our way and no other way? He is the epitomy of patience but even He can be grieved and give up if we are stuck in ourselves and only want our way when it comes to Him.
[6] For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.
[7] For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die.
[8] But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
[10] For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life.Romans 5:6-8, 10.
If God loved us while we were His enemies and rebels against Him, and suffers long with us when we wrong Him, should we continue in rebellion? If we choose not to sin anymore and to follow Him, to give up our will so that not our will but His is done in our lives, can we continue to sin or to have our way? When we are self centered and self willed, unyielding under no circumstances whatsoever but demanding our way and no other way in a marriage, it will definitely suffer. The same will injure our relationship with Christ. If we entertain the same spirit with Christ, we will be responsible for failure of our union to Him.
If Christ humbled Himself though being God, who are we that we should only have our way, that things should revolve around us and be only about us?
[3] Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.
[4] Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.
[5] Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:
[6] Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God:
[7] But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:[8] And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.
If Christ:
[15] Who is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of every creature:
[16] For by him were all things created, that are in heaven, and that are in earth, visible and invisible, whether they be thrones, or dominions, or principalities, or powers: all things were created by him, and for him:
[17] And he is before all things, and by him all things consist. Colossians 1:15-17.
humbled himself, who are we to hold on to pride and to be self willed? By entertaining that spirit we hurt not only a spouse but Christ himself who died for our sins and by being difficult because of this, a marriage whether to the spouse or to God is bound to have problems.
[6] For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.
[7] For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die.
[8] But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
[10] For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life.Romans 5:6-8, 10.
If God loved us while we were His enemies and rebels against Him, and suffers long with us when we wrong Him, should we continue in rebellion? If we choose not to sin anymore and to follow Him, to give up our will so that not our will but His is done in our lives, can we continue to sin or to have our way? When we are self centered and self willed, unyielding under no circumstances whatsoever but demanding our way and no other way in a marriage, it will definitely suffer. The same will injure our relationship with Christ. If we entertain the same spirit with Christ, we will be responsible for failure of our union to Him.
If Christ humbled Himself though being God, who are we that we should only have our way, that things should revolve around us and be only about us?
[3] Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.
[4] Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.
[5] Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:
[6] Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God:
[7] But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:[8] And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.
If Christ:
[15] Who is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of every creature:
[16] For by him were all things created, that are in heaven, and that are in earth, visible and invisible, whether they be thrones, or dominions, or principalities, or powers: all things were created by him, and for him:
[17] And he is before all things, and by him all things consist. Colossians 1:15-17.
humbled himself, who are we to hold on to pride and to be self willed? By entertaining that spirit we hurt not only a spouse but Christ himself who died for our sins and by being difficult because of this, a marriage whether to the spouse or to God is bound to have problems.
- Fear that life's challenges can take their toll on marriage
[33] These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. John 16:33.
[4] For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith. 1 John 5:4.
As I said I am a bachelor but I'm driven to think about all these things because I hope to do my part as God would have me to and to leave the rest to Him. I hear that there are a lot of things that can test a marriage like financial problems and so on. If there are no tests and there seems to be bliss, does that mean that the marriage is good? it is unfortunate that as human beings, our fidelity to anything cannot be proven by words alone but actions. It's one thing for me to say I will do something and it's another for me to actually do what I said I would do. Actions speak louder than words and so enduring trials is different from actually promising to endure them like when people vow that "in sickness or in health, poverty or in wealth, till death do us part."
Again, we vow to God when we are baptized that we are leaving the old life behind and that we are to live a new life. But we can not do it in our own strength and neither can we overcome trials in our own strength. When we choose to be married to Christ by being crucified to self, we vow to live a new life with Him and by His power, "in sickness or in health, poverty or in wealth, till death do us part." To think that marriage is easy is like thinking that the new life with Christ is going to be easy. He has already told us that there will be trials in our new life but they are to test our faith and make us better individuals as is written:
[6] Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations:
[7] That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:
[8] Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory:
[9] Receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:6-9.
If trials are meant to deepen our trust in God and strengthen our bond to Him, they can do the same for marriages, if we can bear them. Just as the relationship between a man and a woman is, so is that between Christ and us.
[6] Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations:
[7] That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:
[8] Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory:
[9] Receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:6-9.
If trials are meant to deepen our trust in God and strengthen our bond to Him, they can do the same for marriages, if we can bear them. Just as the relationship between a man and a woman is, so is that between Christ and us.
I drew comparisons between the 2 things so that both can be better appreciated.
All who love God have a desire to put Him first and to follow Him all the rest of their lives. In our marriage to Him, we desire to endure the trials, and to stay in love with Him.
- We want to stay in love with Him all the days of our lives
- We want to be faithful to Him no matter what
- We do not want to be responsible for any failure in the relationship
- We do not want the trials of life to separate us from Him but rather to drive us even closer to Him
The same goes for marriages between people.
- We all want to stay in love all the days of our lives
- We want to be faithful to our spouses no matter what
- We do not want to be the ones causing difficulty in the marriage
- We do not want the trials of life to separate us but rather to strengthen the bond of marriage
Thought I should share this today. It's been burning on my mind all day. It is a breakthrough because now I have optimism about marraige in that I liken it to my own relationship with God. God does His part and I hope to stay in love with Him, to be faithful as a servant in His house, to not be stuck in myself and be stubborn making my relationship with Him difficult and that by His strength I can endure the trials life brings me which are meant to strengthen my faith and thus my bond to Him.
Enough for today. God Bless
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